Emily - journalist and abuse survivor
I graduated from UNO last spring, and I’m thinking about going to graduate school. I like writing, taking pictures, and reading. This weekend I’ve been reading so much poetry it’s unbelievable.
I’ve had a couple incidences (with sexual assault), and I really don’t know many women who haven’t. The most recent experience was with my ex-fiancé. He couldn’t get a job; so I worked multiple jobs to pay the bills and rent. He started drinking and taking drugs. A couple times this spring he got violent and came home and started pushing me around and shaking me. Screaming at me was normal.
On Valentine’s Day he tried to rape me in my sleep. I woke up to him groping me, and I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. I ran out into the hallway, but I was taking medicine to help me sleep, so I was incapacitated. I was not able to leave. A couple nights later, I tried to normalize the situation and talk to him. He said the things that he knew he had to say, and I agreed to sleep with him. But right away, it started getting really violent, and it was obvious that he hated me, and he wanted to do this to hurt me. It was the worst; I started crying. The next day I asked him to leave, and it’s been hard since then.
He lied to me. He told me that his name had been taken off the lease, and it wasn’t. He also said he’d given his keys back when he hadn’t. There was a break-in and my tax returns and my mail were gone through. The landlord didn’t do anything about it. So I was just really scared for a really long time.
I wanted to forget about it, but he showed up at a club that people knew I was going to be at, and he started looking me up online. I was terrified that he was trying to re-enter my life. That’s when I moved to file the protection order, but the police said that it’s been so long and you didn’t do anything. You try to explain that it’s a process, and I went to a sexual violence therapist all summer. And they’re just like, “Well we don’t see any direct contact; so therefore, it’s not really a danger to you.”
One of the biggest mistakes that someone can make, and I don’t judge because I know how hard it is, but when you’re life is falling apart, you try to normalize the abnormal. It’s really important, legally, not to do that. If your assaulter shows up, call the police. Have a record of it. I didn’t do that, and it really hurt me in the long run. I really should have called them this spring, and I regret not doing that.
It’s hard to look back on everything and know what you should or shouldn’t have done. I’ve done it a million times and I only regret three things: getting engaged, not getting him out sooner when the abuse started, and not calling the cops. I look back on the person that I was and I say, “I stuck with this person through really terrible times, I took care of him, and I was the best person that I could be and loved him, and he took full advantage of that.” It’s sad, but I’m also kind of proud of that person. Victims are usually victims because they put themselves on the line. They allow themselves to love people or be there for people. Be proud of yourself for being a victim, is what I’m trying to say, because it takes a lot of strength to have gotten to that situation in the first place.
I wasn’t able to talk about the abuse at first, and I’m a story-teller - so not living my own story, by not telling it, was consuming me. My best friend said, “You look so empty, and you’re the emptiest I’ve ever seen you in our whole lives. This isn’t who you are. You need to be honest.” The more people you talk to, the more noise you make, the better it will be. People might stop inviting you to their house because it makes them feel uncomfortable, but that’s not your fault it, and never will be your fault. People need reminding that this happens to people. Keep talking.
