Frankie - mother and child abuse survivor
I’m 42, and I have four kids. The oldest is twelve, and then I have nine-year-old twins, they’ll be ten in a week. My youngest is seven; he’s adopted from South Korea. I’m not from here. I was raised in Ohio and left for the military. My last assignment was at Offutt, and I love it here so I stayed. It’s depressing back home and there’s too much trauma there.
I have a lot of experience with sexual abuse. My earliest memory of my father, Richard, abusing me was at age three. He didn’t stop until I was twelve. I think the only reason he stopped was because he found out his friend, Sam, was also doing it. My sister and I confronted Sam, and we told Richard about it. I think he realized, “Well if she knows what Sam’s doing is wrong, then she knows what I’m doing is wrong. She’s going to tell someone.” So he never touched me again after that.
My high school boyfriend raped me, and I stayed with him. We were already planning our wedding. I was marrying him because I wanted to get away from Richard. It was a better than waiting until I was eighteen to get out of the house. But once I married him, I had to figure out how I was going to get out it because he was physically abusive.
I joined the military and called him from basic training to tell him I wanted a divorce. If I told him face-to-face he probably would have put me in the hospital. The best part of that divorce was when my mom asked me how I had the strength to leave him. I told her, “I didn’t want your life.” And she said, “What do you mean?” And I said, “You’re married to a monster. I didn’t want that life.” Not even a week later, she packed up my little brother and left Richard. That was awesome.
I spent a lot of my life trying to prove that I was more than what happened to me. To get past what Richard and others did, I excelled in the Air Force, and I got a lot of awards and things. I used to think that was healthy. But it really wasn’t. I was avoiding what happened to me and kind of pretending that it didn’t happen.
I did the whole “why me?” thing for a long time. Paul, the first nice guy I dated, helped me transition from victim to survivor. I couldn’t understand why God would let something so terrible happen to me. Paul said that maybe the reason I had gone through all that was so I could help other people get through it. He had seen me as such a strong person, and maybe I could help others in similar situations. It took a long time to accept that. But the more that I thought about it; the more it made sense.
In January 1995, I saw a poster for Parents United. It’s an organization that helps adult and child survivors of sexual abuse. I wrote their phone number down and didn’t call them until May 2014. So it took a lot of years. I thought I should go as a participant first to make sure I have my head on straight. I want to make sure that I’m as healthy as I think I am. Then I want to use my masters in counseling to help people by facilitating groups with adults and then with children.
I love being an advocate, and I will stand up in front of a room of five hundred people to talk about my abuse and talk about rape. It doesn’t make me nervous anymore. I think it’s important that people understand it exists, and I think it’s important that voices are heard. I can’t say that enough. Telling your story is very therapeutic. Helping others is very therapeutic.
I want victims to know to live your life. Don’t run from your past and avoid the pain.
