Angela - victim advocate and survivor
I’m forty and a mother of three children: twins that are seven and a little boy who is ten. I am a professional photographer with my own studio, but I went back to graduate school for criminology. I work as a trained victim’s advocate with the Women’s Center for Advancement (WCA) helping victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.
I first met my abuser in English class sophomore year. I loved him, and he said he loved me too. On the outside, you would not be able to see the violence - we appeared completely functional. But he used drugs and blamed me for his use. He was angered easily and was highly reactive. He would push me down, kick me in the back, and slam things around.
While I was pregnant with twins, I pulled back. I didn’t want to give myself to my husband anymore. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and forced himself on me. It was marital rape. The last time he did it was my thirty-sixth birthday. A week later he moved out on our anniversary while our wedding song was playing. We were high school sweethearts so that’s twenty years coming to an end and starting over. At thirty-six, that is really uncomfortable. There was a part of me that wanted our family to work out, but it just couldn’t. He refused to get sober. There was nothing that could be done at that point, and I knew that.
From then, my experience with the court system was very frustrating. My case dragged out for three years. The Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) refused to meet with the children for the duration of the case. When I challenged the GAL regarding not meeting the kids, which law requires him to do so, he submitted a report with his opinion that I should not retain custody of the children — it should go to the abuser. Also the family court judge would not approve my protection order requests. I documented stalking with witness letters, trespassing, police reports regarding phone harassment and disturbing the peace. But family court refused to look at any of this. In preparation for trial, my attorney encouraged me not to focus on the domestic violence but on how I’m the better parent.
So what I found by trying to end abuse was a new set of problems surfaced by leaving because we have kids. Although the courts were not helpful to my children and myself, I did find help elsewhere. I learned about divorcing a narcissist, hiring thoughtful legal counsel, and furthering my education. The biggest lesson for me was about parenting with an abuser. You do NOT engage the abuser, but parent on parallel tracts. Though I retained sole physical custody of the children, the cycle of abuse still happens with my abuser and his new wife and the children are exposed. I do my best to create a peaceful life for them. I worry, but it’s nothing that I voice because you have to worry about parental alienation. So I just listen and keep my ear to the ground.
To aid others, I was hired onto the WCA as a victim’s advocate. I’m also trying to start a support group for mothers that are going through child custody battles with abusers. I remind them every day, that it’s just a moment in time. It feels terrible, but don’t give up.
For any of the victims, do what you can to become a survivor. If there is a problem, don’t sweep it under the rug. It’s so hard; because, your whole life is uprooted. Your dreams go down the drain. So you have to find a way to empower yourself, to get through this, to learn from it. Don’t be afraid to speak out. Really empower yourself with your voice. Don’t give up; because, there are other people that need you. We need you, we need you to come forward and stand up together and say no more.
